Drew Curtis' FARK.com

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Thursday, July 24, 2008

	78-year old woman has her purse snatched, outruns 20-year old crook, gives her a damn good shaking. Fark: her grandson is an Olympic sprinter. With "angry fist of Gran" photo	(11)
	If your last girlfriend had an IMDB page	(14)
	News: To protect children from paedophiles, council stops elderly women photographing paddling pool. Fark: The pool was empty	(40)
	Max Mosley wins his privacy case against the "News of the World". The paper is fined £60,000 and is to be spanked for being a very naughty tabloid	(21)
	"It's one thing to cover your body with the flag, but quite another thing to be naked and using it as a horse's saddle."	(21)
(Some Guy)	Major search-and-rescue operation called off when the victims turned out to be two large inflatable penguins	(10)
	Man trapped under asphalt roller... Otto unavailable for comment	(20)
	Newspaper misspells its own name on front page. It's not news, it's Furk	(43)
	Sophisticated "Gastrosexuals" use food to woo women. Your girl wants steak (prepared with a crust of peppercorns and hazelnuts and garnished with frisee)	(145)
(News4Jax)	Not news: Man steals 3 buses. Fark: He followed the routes and made all the stops	(53)
	Photoshop this road block	(62)
	Congress opens hearings over military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Opponents and supporters of the policy vow to wrestle in oil while dressed in loincloths	(114)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 168: "Farktography Classic: Blue II". Difficulty: No sky. Details and rules in the first post. LGT next week's theme	(266)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

	Cops: Auto theft? Check. Robberies? Check. Gangs? Um, that'll cost you extra	(38)
(Some Jedi)	Remember the steampunk Star Wars figures? Here is the Empire Strikes Back edition. Cool tag beats Followup tag with a Force choke	(127)
	Drama teacher takes classroom role playing to a whole new level	(144)
	Prison inmate introduces himself as Jesus Christ to see whether he can get along with cellmate. One ruptured spleen later, it appears doubtful	(30)
	When homeowners lose their homes in forclosure, we laugh at them and call them stupid. When banks make high-risk investments on subprime debtors and lose, we issue $300,000,000,000 to bail them out	(190)
	Hurricane Dolly downgraded to "Led Zeppelin I" as levees hold	(48)
	Cook County (IL) Commissioner Mike Quigley drafts resolution noting the 2009 Winter Classic between the Chicago Blackhawks and Detroit Red Wings. As for what the 10 letters that end the last 10 lines of the document spell, that was coincidence	(69)
	Goodness Gracious	(109)
	Due to the fact that it is in such high demand, The New York Times has raised its newsstand price to $1.50	(138)
(Some Guy)	At least four people in West Virginia have been hospitalized this summer for drinking tiki torch fuel. And last year more than 190 residents got sick drinking the liquids inside glow lights	(97)
	News: Woman sues after service animal banned from city buses. Fark: It's a ferret	(118)
	House approves the taxpayer-funded Personal Responsibility Mortgage Bailout Bill of 2008	(466)
	Judge puts nine-year-old named "Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii" under court guardianship until a real name is chosen for her. Bonus childrens' names in article: Keenan Got Lucky, Cinderella Beauty Blossom, Sex Fruit	(249)
(KABC-7)	Nine-year-old gets "Star Wars" ruined for him forever	(371)
(Reason Magazine)	America's dumbest generation?	(326)
	Pennsylvanian with no arms and no legs finishes 275th of 308 in swimming portion of Pittsburgh triathlon. No, his name isn't Bob or Duncan, but he is a buoy	(86)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this doorway	(55)
	The 10 ugliest new cars in America	(273)
	Chimp escapes zoo enclosure to get to the roof where it manages to disarm one worker before taking two tranquilizer darts and a banana (with great video)	(34)
	Ugly brat sues teacher over insulting remarks	(101)
	Old and busted: Drive-by shooting. New hotness: Drive-by grenading	(40)
	I-Mockery travels to the top of Big Bear Mountain and discovers a genuine classic arcade that has stood the test of time since 1959	(60)
	You know it's hot in Houston when inmates escape just to go swimming	(26)
	The #1 bear threat to America: Snuggle	(83)
	"Spastic balls lure adults to Old School P.E. classes"	(36)
	Sometimes you should just cut your losses instead of calling police -- for instance, if you get robbed trying to buy pot	(47)
	China sets up designated tank practice areas for the Olympics	(89)
	The top 7 misguided rap attempts. The horror	(287)
	At long last: XM - Sirius merger approved	(276)
	Hurricane Dolly makes landfall as a category 2 storm. Pray for Omarion	(112)
	French couple displays amazing lack of historical awareness, makes porn video at World War I memorial	(73)
(NBC5i)	Accelerated tanning = accelerated death. Really really accelerated	(109)
	New York state worker earning $100K lived in company paint shed, report says	(63)
	Crazed German man drives a car though the gate at the site of Obama's speech Thursday, circles the complex repeatedly and spills red paint out of his car. France surrenders	(89)
	Neither rain nor snow, nor sleet nor dark of night shall stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds, even if they deliver mail to the wrong address for 19 years	(43)
	Palm City man's stolen credit card used to buy program to prevent identity theft	(42)
	Robert Novak rams a pedestrian and speeds away. Yes, submitter is well aware this is Not Braking news	(247)
	Homeowner jumps burgler, binds him with duct tape and hands him over to police "gift wrapped"	(60)
	"Sorry about the Molotov cocktails. Our bad." Awkward	(84)
	You're the largest cable company in the United States. Do you: C) Spend almost a month trying to figure out why a customer isn't getting his cable... only to find out that you haven't hooked it up to his house?	(159)
	British woman sues after "water detox diet" leaves her brain damaged and on medication. Dietician counters that thinking a water detox diet would work meant the woman was probably brain damaged already	(95)
	Vanity Fair does the thinkable to The New Yorker	(131)
(NewsChannel9)	Missing? ☑ Female? ☑ Caucasian? ☑ Attractive? ☑ Young? ☐ Nevermind, go back to your normal routine, nothing to see here	(434)
	U.S. appeals court overturns Internet Child Protection Act. Why won't they think of the children?	(250)
	NTSA = x + z(2), where x represents a 25-year-old math teacher and z represents her 16-year-old student	(130)
	The baby born of the second Immaculate Conception turns 30 today	(162)
	Hugo Chavez to purchase $5 billion worth in Russian weapons for Venezuela in order to protect the country when the U.S. invades or the monkeys in the rain forest get organized and attack, whichever comes first	(500)
	Because Criss Angel is called Mindfreak, are people who follow him called "freaks"? (Sponsored link)	(164)
	Harley-Davidson unveils a tricycle-style roadster. Next, Bob the Builder and Barney the Dinosaur co-star in "Easy Rider" remake with Raffi covering "Born To Be Wild"	(216)
	Bank websites using swiss cheese for security, university researchers find	(59)
	Minimum wage to jump by $0.70 which works out to about 145 cases of Natural Light or 18 grams of meth per year based on 40-hour work week	(483)
(Comedy.com)	A salute to the man trying to bring the Kicked in the Nuts record back to the USA	(54)
	Although the press informed everybody else, they forgot to tell Patrick Swayze he had only weeks to live	(137)
	The score at the end of the Møøse vs. Sister match is Møøse 1, Sister 1 in sudden-death overtime	(74)
	Radovan Karadzic to defend himself in war crimes court. Because it worked so well for the last guy	(79)
	Rogue programmer who hijacked San Francisco's network surrenders passwords to mayor, says he was just protecting the city's code. He's also been described as "a bit maniacal." Gee, ya think?	(173)
(thisisplymouth)	Man who once threw owl from moving car to evade police pursuit now jailed for armed burglary at wrong house	(47)
	Drinking Wite-Out does not erase alcohol from your blood. You will still be charged with drunk driving	(95)
	One in, one out. The "Spam King" is AWOL from federal prison. Wait, two "Spam Kings"? Spam King trifecta in play?	(90)
	If you've ever wanted to swim with sea lions in a mall, now is your chance. Yeah, us neither	(90)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this underwater cameramajigger	(58)
	Having solved all other problems, Australian politician wants fast-food chain to stop offering Batman toys with children's meals	(92)
	"Spam King" sentenced to 47 months of having his inbox filled with unsolicited male	(189)
	Jenny Craig just shed over 160 pounds in a single day	(86)
	Marine commando jumps on grenade to save comrades. Survives blast, refuses to to be medevaced -- then shoots an insurgent. Queen says, "By George, you have balls of steel"	(408)
	Woman accused of trying to cram a peanut in the mouth of her allergic neighbor. Nutjob should pecan somebody her own size	(66)
	Woman performs Wiccan ceremony in cemetery after a run of good luck, inadvertently stabs herself in the foot with the ceremonial sword	(190)
(Some Guy)	When in the cockpit of an airliner, don't push the button marked "takeoff power" while still in the hangar	(83)
	Vermin-clearing incident gone awry leads to shrapnel in the buttocks. Forrest Gump unavailable for comment	(24)
	"You can't bust me, if you don't know what you found..."	(98)
	Tired of Jesus hogging all the publicity by appearing on food products, Allah decides to make an appearance on meat	(109)
(The Moscow Times)	Hungry Russian bears trap geologists at remote survey site, demand ransom of one million pic-a-nic baskets	(53)
	There are times you should just turn off your cellphone, like when you're in a stolen vehicle being chased by cops	(18)
	Pencil, telephone, hourglass, diamonds, candle, candle, flag! Mouse, scissors, ball, mailbox, mailbox, mailbox!	(93)
	The world's top flatulist prepares to unleash himself on Edinburgh	(50)
(azfamily.com)	Golfer struck by lightning. Last words were, "Rat farts"	(86)
	Catching a taxi to town to do the shopping: $50. Faking a heart attack and calling an ambulance, then miraculously recovering when you arrive at the hospital, 150 meters from the shops: FREE	(58)
(Some Guy)	Tesco's cock up nearly breaks up relationship when condoms are added to man's order by mistake. Penis	(92)
	South Los Angeles considers a ban on all new fast-food restaurants for one year. Capitalism, blubber surrender	(60)
(Some Guy)	Sign of the times: Man arrested for stealing $0.42 from a mall fountain	(55)
	Mustard Man arrested for aggravated assault (not before delivering awesome response)	(170)
	Gizmodo's running a "Truth in Advertising" Photoshop contest. Bring the FARK	(68)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

	Eighteen-year-old Melbourne boy reinforces need for a "Darwin" tag by stripping to his underwear and losing a game of chicken with cars on the highway. Fark bonus: He's from South Morang	(81)
(PoJo)	Vinegar Festival takes place in LaGrange, NY. A lot of douchebags were there	(57)
	Man finds sticky substance in his underwear, wipes his hand on Prime Minister's sleeve	(54)
	Two guys break into store and steal pillows and a hammock. Found nearby sleeping on stolen goods. "Alcohol was involved"	(33)
(Some Gal)	♫ Well Hello Dolly, ♫ We can tell, Dolly, ♫ Your're still glowin', ♫ you're still crowin' you're still goin' strong ♫ We can feel the room swayin'	(90)
	Plane carrying Ron Paul goes into a steep Ron Paul and has to make an emergency Ron Paul	(304)
	Swat stops twat swap	(294)
	Police baffled why killer sent San Dimas housewife on bogus journey	(90)
	The editor of "OK" magazine says a cover showing 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears holding her baby and saying "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world" does not glamourize teen pregnancy	(453)
	Rhode Island man gets arrested for scoring a .491 on a breathalyzer. What a lightweight	(88)
	You know you're a loser when you rob a Goodwill Store and run out of gas in the parking lot	(82)