Drew Curtis' FARK.com

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Tue March 09, 2010

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
(WGME.com)		Bigfoot spotted in Maine, solid brown everywhere else (wgme.com)	(17)
		I'll bet you thought you wouldn't encounter a news story today about a wolverine making sweet, sweet love to a tree. Well sir, that's why you have Fark (sfgate.com)	(51)
		Theme: Movie poster for movie that never existed, but should have (images.google.com)	(117)
		From the "Are you sure this is a good idea?" department: Water and Sewer to be merged. Bonus: gas company may handle merger (indystar.com)	(49)
(Sioux City Journal)		Iowa Senate passes bar nuisance law. Maybe now we've seen our last cocked-hat over the eyebrow popped-collar douche who orders Glenlivet with Diet Coke (siouxcityjournal.com)	(67)
		Achievement Unlocked : Throw back a grenade before it explodes. Bonus : "I remember thinking that if I didn't pull this off, it was going to hurt" (news.sky.com)	(154)
(Some Guy)		Windows kill up to 1 billion birds in North America each year. "I see no immediate reason why these figures would be erroneous" (mnn.com)	(207)
		Many Americans say they're too tired for sex. But really, they're just not into you (wellness.blogs.time.com)	(125)
		When asking someone to find a hitman to kill hubby, make sure that person isn't a former NYPD detective (abcnews.go.com)	(40)
		Protip: If the Chevy conversion van is rocking (at 3:30 AM in the mall parking lot, under a lightpole), the cops will bother knocking (thesmokinggun.com)	(221)
		The flu symptoms that make you miserable are all in your head (news.bbc.co.uk)	(52)
(ScienceBlogs)		Proving yet again that suckers and their money are soon parted, people are paying a New Mexico spa over $100 to smear Japanese bird poop on their faces (scienceblogs.com)	(52)
		Former employee: I'm a huge social networker and stuff so if you don't like pay me $200,000 I'll bring the company down through spam emails. Company: Oooooooo, we're scaaaaared (myfoxdc.com)	(79)
(news4jax.com)		Well, NOW where am I supposed to take this Grade-3 Plutonium runoff? (news4jax.com)	(23)
		Calling Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez a dictator is a criminal offense worthy of jail time according to Constitutional scholar Sean Penn (foxnews.com)	(432)
(Press of Atlantic City dot com)		Actual headline: "Police say fake veterinarian - apparently dressed as a man this time - arrested again". With pics of what a cross-dressing fake veteranarian looks like (pressofatlanticcity.com)	(51)
		Turkey is discovering nothing exposes shoddy sub-code construction and bribed housing inspectors quite like a magnitude 6 earthquake (abcnews.go.com)	(74)
		Lindsay Lohan wants $100M over E-Trade ad because "the actress has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna." (nypost.com)	(313)
		The CIA recommended the use of Ensure Plus for the liquid diet so that detainees wouldn't die from inhaling their own vomit during torture. Seriously (salon.com)	(284)
(Some Guy)		Good idea: Asking helpful policewoman for directions. Bad idea: While driving a stolen car (officer.com)	(15)
		Half of Americans have less than 10K saved for retirement. Those who have more will no doubt be asked to share their pie (money.cnn.com)	(700)
		NYC infrastructure is crumbling, and there are few funds for repairs, but one artist may have a solution: Legos (nypost.com)	(48)
		Due to low sales, Walmart discounts Black Barbie; obviously some people have a problem with this (abcnews.go.com)	(296)
		Never before seen episode of Star Trek TOS has Kirk dealing with a terrible alien threat (youtube.com)	(129)
		Two idiots in a fraternity at submitter's Alma Mater allegedly wrapped some kid in TP and set him on fire. What was the stupidest thing you ever did in college? Bonus: look at the smirk on their mugshots (kentucky.com)	(307)
		Write that on the tombstone: Second person nationwide ever to die in static-sparked fire at a fuel pump (pennlive.com)	(48)
		Ars Technica asks readers to turn off ad-block on its website to help save the site. On that note, if Farkers out there don't mind turning off adblock for Fark we'd sure appreciate it too -Drew (link fixed) (arstechnica.com)	(617)
		"Holy criminy, you just shot the map" (abclocal.go.com)	(97)
		The Florida Senate race is getting hairy: Crist accuses Rubio of using a RNC credit card to get his back waxed (myfoxtampabay.com)	(75)
		Window cleaner commits suicide by stabbing himself in the groin repeatedly with a jumbo souvenir pencil. "If you were choosing to take your own life, that's not the way you would do it." (mirror.co.uk)	(107)
		Man Surrenders In Fatal Stabbing. Dude, that's when you should be fighting back the most (cbsatlanta.com)	(11)
		Lil' Wayne gets a year in pris...MAKE HIM PUT THE SUNGLASSES BACK ON (news.bbc.co.uk)	(214)
		Photoshop this stack o' flapjacks (farm3.static.flickr.com)	(34)
		Germany criticizes Greece for being babies who refuse to fix their financial problems, while Greece says they'd have more money if the Nazis hadn't stolen their gold and all their kebab vendors (washingtonpost.com)	(124)
		Auctioneer sells souls to highest bidder, one "Mr. Mephistopheles" (hosted.ap.org)	(46)
		"Milking water out of a cow made of wood with rubber teats is a favorite activity there" (usatoday.com)	(19)
		Brooke Shields says fame is "like a drug." She must be getting desperate for a fix, though, as she's suffering post-partum depression from her career (contactmusic.com)	(58)
		Senate preparing to donate another $66 billion to its slacker bailout fund. Get your Mountain Dew and Cheetos now before it's too late (news.yahoo.com)	(378)
		"Gasoline prices want to decline" says expert, apparently trying to use the Jedi Mind Trick on them (suntimes.com)	(105)
		87 percent of USA Today readers believe dogs are smarter than we think they are (usatoday.com)	(115)
		"Cable guy finds kids home alone": more proof that Hollywood is out of ideas or actual headline? (clickorlando.com)	(53)
		Jon Stewart proves that the SEC is run by those three monkeys with their hands over their eyes, ears, and mouths (thedailyshow.com)	(122)
		What better place to allow an exemption to the smoking ban then at the indoor benefit boxing match for children without health insurance (myfoxdc.com)	(24)
(610 WTVN)		News: triple shooting on Ohio State's campus. Fark: didn't involve a football player (wtvn.com)	(145)
(lohud.com)		Ugly, skankifed, dirty suburban wasteland slum objects to being called a 'hellhole' on SNL (lohud.com)	(131)
		Caption the Queen of the World and James Cameron at the Oscars (telegraph.co.uk)	(75)
		Detroit mayor to unveil plan to bulldoze a quarter of the city. Why stop there? (news.yahoo.com)	(218)
(Some Pill Popper)		Condemned prisoner's execution postponed because...well, because the state of Ohio has to first save his life (clevelandleader.com)	(53)
		Not News: LA City Council can't say "no" to any expenditures. News: Because they have a computer that automatically votes "yes" when they're not in chambers. FARK: Giving them more time for lobbyists and cigarettes (latimes.com)	(46)
		That giant puckering sound you heard was Sheriff Joe Arpaio's sphincter clenching after he found out the controversial emails he thought had been deleted were actually archived by a third-party vendor (azcentral.com)	(145)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this soaring cycle and airborne extemist (lh6.ggpht.com)	(33)
		911: What's the emergency? Caller: Somehow I got my Prius up to 94 (sfgate.com)	(287)
(state journal register)		Not news: Man has heart attack while on the phone with his cell provider. Fark: the operator that saves his life is named Hart (sj-r.com)	(57)
		Goat Boy's mom has been found (dailymail.co.uk)	(97)

Mon March 08, 2010

	Researchers say a tax on pizza and soda would cut obesity. Still no cure for nicotine addiction (news.yahoo.com)	(329)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this saw-whet owl (vinkamint.com)	(52)
	Brtiain's MI5 monitored Hitler Youth cycling tour of England in 1937, despite their agent falling off near Budleigh Salterton when the pump caught in his trouser-leg, badly crushing sandwiches and getting grit all over his fruitcake (timesonline.co.uk)	(74)
(Ksdk.com)	Tip Of The Day: Paying for hundreds of dollars of crack cocaine with Monopoly money will probably result in a fairly decent ass kicking (ksdk.com)	(76)
	Then they came for the beer and I said nothing, for I was not-- Wait, what? Oh, hell no WOLVERINES (philly.com)	(205)
	Last year 2.4 million fewer tourists visited the US, which cost $509 billion. In related news, tourism in the US brings in an average of $212,000 per person. Still no cure for journalists who can't do math (news.yahoo.com)	(179)
	Young Karl Rove turned to the darkside when he had the turd-blossom beat out of him by a little girl (washingtonpost.com)	(151)
	Oldest person in US dies again (hosted.ap.org)	(147)
	In an attempt to outdo Blockbuster, library has teen arrested for forgetting to return DVD (thedenverchannel.com)	(82)
(fox chicago)	News: Girl sick for two years from wearing improperly made eyeglasses. Fark: The eyeglass place apologized and offered her a $5 bottle of lens cleaner (myfoxchicago.com)	(184)
	A group of ultra-Orthodox rabbis are kvetching that lox should no longer be considered kosher as the fish often contain parasitic worms. Here comes the schmear campaign (nypost.com)	(281)
	Meet Lyuba, the cutest 42,000-year-old Ice Age baby mammoth you'll see today (usatoday.com)	(86)
	Roman Polanski's wife is very upset that her pedo husband has been jailed, interfering with his ability to keep her and their children rich beyond their wildest dreams (aolnews.com)	(271)
	San Francisco hearkens back to a time when it wasn't known for hippies clogging the streets, gives police new powers to knock some heads (abcnews.go.com)	(129)
(Drew)	Drew talks about earthquake mania, Selection Sunday, and the James Cameron Reaction Watch. Also, some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 2/28 - 3/6 (fark.com)	(38)
	Who has the time to take the keys out and lock up the police cruiser anymore (myfoxdc.com)	(44)
(Some Guy)	You're at the movies and someone asks you to stop talking on your cellphone. Do you: C) Stab him in the neck with a meat thermometer? (ktla.com)	(290)
(Altoona Mirror)	By allowing Pennsylvania grocery and convenience stores to sell beer, the state will become a post-apocalyptic wasteland where sellers of cheap beer will ravage the land unchecked, killing everybody you hold dear (altoonamirror.com)	(391)
(Some Guy)	On the internet, a female inmate squirting breast milk at her jailer falls under the Rule #34 clause. In real life, it's third degree felony assault (bnd.com)	(135)
	You want me to pay for a dead cat which I didn't kill and doesn't belong to me? (lep.co.uk)	(128)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this kicked ball (denverpost.slideshowpro.com)	(36)
	Hooker principal unlikely to see happy ending (ctpost.com)	(31)
	Not news: school costs six times more than the top college in the country. News: the school turns out students that are still functionally illiterate. Fark: it's kindergarten (abcnews.go.com)	(72)
	Slow learner gets third drug bust on way home from prison for his second drug bust (indystar.com)	(51)
	City of Gary, Indiana trying to triple its population in time for census (indystar.com)	(94)
	Al Qaida calls on US muslims to attack America seeing as how they're a little too busy dodging predator strikes and military raids to do it themselves (aolnews.com)	(294)
	Big Booty Mommas 6: Hot Butt-Caulking Action (nj.com)	(233)
(Some Selachimorpha)	Photoshop this fish out of water (bigpicture.ru)	(39)
	You should pick wine over mineral water if you want to lose weight, pants (dailymail.co.uk)	(67)
	God rolls die, shakes Turkey this time; at least 41 dead (news.yahoo.com)	(200)
	Humans driving species to extinction faster than new ones can evolve. Darwin facepalms (guardian.co.uk)	(190)
	The Mc10:35? (consumerist.com)	(146)
	Lawmaker wants to give vegans, teetotallers and atheists the same protection under the law as Muslims and Jews (dailymail.co.uk)	(110)
	What's worse than kidnapping your girlfriend? Kindapping your girlfriend and taking her to Wal-Mart (nwfdailynews.com)	(32)
(gastongazette.com)	Man arrested for thinking about cheeseburgers (gastongazette.com)	(86)
	You know what's better than a squirrel with a conconut on its head? Two squirrels with coconuts on their heads (dailymail.co.uk)	(77)
	Swiss dogs encounter major setback in legal bid for steak (news.bbc.co.uk)	(32)