Wed May 23, 2012
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Photoshop this fast female (cdn3.spiegel.de)
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| (officer.com) |
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Got a new laser pointer? Want to show it off to your friends? You might be wise to not point it at the police boat out in the harbor (officer.com)
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San Diego Fark Party, THIS SATURDAY May 26th 6:00pm at Pizza Port Solana Beach (fark.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Oxford University tells Yeti hunters to put up or shut up, give us some DNA so we know you're not wacko (tgdaily.com)
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Ever wonder how construction cranes get up on top of skyscrapers? Or more importantly, how they get down? Here comes the engineering (slate.com)
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Study proves that nuclear power is safe for twenty years, every twenty years (sciencedaily.com)
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Ferrera Pan and Farley's to merge, creating the ever-tasty LemonChucklehead (marketwatch.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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A Columbia S.C. man finds discovers just how farking huge a rat snake can actually get (wistv.com)
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| (wcvb boston) |
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It's nice gesture when you want to help a young student remove a loose tooth. If you do help, just make sure you pull the tooth that's actually loose (wcvb.com)
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Rash of rashes breaks out at middle school (sun-sentinel.com)
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Your honor, the alleged victim wanted to be beaten to a pulp and asked for it all season. If you need more proof that he is a masochist, consider that he actually enrolled in Florida A&M in the first place (www2.tbo.com)
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When riding a motorcycle, it's always prudent to keep your mouth closed because of bugs. Unfortunately, this doesn't work with golf balls (tennessean.com)
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Hot dog slicer cuts your kid's hot dog into perfect, choke-sized pieces (cleveland.com)
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Photoshop this Indiana Jones imitator (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
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Remember how many people said during the GOP primary "All Obama is going to have to do to create campaign commercials is run the tape of Romney's GOP rivals attacking him on the campaign trail"? (news.yahoo.com)
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| (HyperVocal) |
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Dr. Kellogg invented Corn Flakes as an anti-masturbatory food. He also burned off clitorises, advocated sewing foreskins with silver wire, and filled his patients' asses with gallons of yogurt (hypervocal.com)
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If I'm reading this article correctly, and I believe that I am, the headline is longer than the article (independent.co.uk)
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Potomac River tuber clung to rock overnight until rescued by anglers." Man, that potato wanted to live (herald-mail.com)
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Uncertain about naming a warship after a gay rights anti-war activist? You could try asking his ghost, at least if you're in San Francisco (seattlepi.com)
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The 900 dolphins who died off the coast of Peru all perished from natural causes, according to a scientist who also says Kennedy was killed by a lone gunman, Bin Laden was the mastermind of 9/11, and we really did land on the moon (mnn.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Child Hugging Priest" told to knock it off, plans to fist kids instead (big1059.com)
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| (TSP) |
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"Jimmy, I think the school bus is here to pick you up" (thestarpress.com)
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Best. Vicar. Ever: four-minute sermons, bring-a-bottle confirmation classes, and if he was too drunk to pronounce "vicissitude" at Christmas midnight mass he'd simply pick up where he left off the next Christmas (telegraph.co.uk)
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Chipotle accused of hiring illegal Mexican immigrants and is the subject of a Federal Investigation over hiring practices. Which is kind of ironic, considering their food is the furthest you can get from real Mexican (reuters.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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"La Grange police were called at about 4:45 p.m. May 11 after someone reported hearing two men at Lincoln and Sawyer avenues talking about stabbing each other. Police could not locate them" (lagrange.patch.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: Man ticketed for littering. Fark: Ticket was for dropping money on the ground. Bonus Fark: The money fell as he was handing it off to a wheelchair-bound homeless man (fox8.com)
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A year after the Joplin Tornado killed 160 people some are curious as to why the Missouri National Guard looted the city after the disaster but are told to go die in a tornado (stltoday.com)
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Drunk hit-and-run driver turns into sober driver after officers discover he's a retired cop (eagletribune.com)
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Blogger claims that Roger Ailes claims that Jon Stewart once admitted to him in a bar that he was a socialist, so that means Sarah Palin is automatically president and Stewart has to dig a hole and sit in it (breitbart.com)
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Selling your breast milk online comes with certain pitfalls, not least of which is having men buy it for "health reasons" (krem.com)
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| (Web Urbanist) |
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They say the tallest buildings of an era reflect its most cherished values and, by and large, that's also true of this pile of crap (weburbanist.com)
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Conservative media reports that roving gangs of black teens are flash-mobbing across the country in their insatiable search for white flesh (gawker.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Deep fried Girl Scout cookies? Yes, please (1035superx.com)
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Janitor finds out NASA wasn't just farking around when they painted KEEP CLEAR on those launch pads (cnn.com)
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One of my employees called out hungover for the past 2 days. That literally was her excuse. Not sure if I am mad or respect her for telling the truth at least. Leaning toward respect. How would you react? (fark.com)
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| (Steve Weaver Aircraft) |
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A niche in the aviation business: flying with the newly dead. "Oh, no need to sit up, sir, we haven't landed yet" (steveweaver.com)
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"Mr. Singh said that he had 65 langurs urinating on prominent homes and buildings throughout Delhi." The best part is that they pay him to do it (nytimes.com)
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It's bad when people wonder why you still have your job... and wonder it in public... and you're the founder of the company. Isn't that right, Michael Dell? (marketwatch.com)
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| (Some Woman) |
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Quadruple amputee mom reaching for another milestone. Well, sort of (wfaa.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Newest household item that causes cancer? Your couch (rodale.com)
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And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the ass (forbes.com)
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Subby got a warning, instead of a ticket this morning. Have you ever talked your way out of a ticket before? How? What were you doing wrong? (fark.com)
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Porn actress pleads guilty to 2nd degree murder. Judging by the mugshot I'm guessing it was entrapment (tampabay.com)
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It's the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812 and the tall ships are in New York harbor for Fleet Week. No word yet if there are any on the Potomac guarding the White House (ajc.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Welcome to sunny Florida, please enjoy our strip mall casinos, where mafia-connected thugs will cheerfully beat you to within an inch of your life and provide you with a voucher good for 10% off a paragliding adventure (wdbo.com)
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Hawaii provides Arizona with President Obama's birth records to finally put to rest the question of his citizenship. No wait, this is Arizona.. scratch that (news.yahoo.com)
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| (Topless Robot) |
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The twelve most idiotic video game boycotts of all time. Remember when you were forbidden to play Mortal Kombat at the arcade? (toplessrobot.com)
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Group of high school students riding their bikes to school? That's a suspendin'. Bonus: They had a police escort, and the mayor brought donuts (mlive.com)
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About 93 percent of Florida just breathed a sigh of relief (wptv.com)
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Greek hospitals decide that mothers can't take their newborns home if they can't pay the hospital bill (bbc.co.uk)
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"It's vodka today, but it could be underwear five years from now if this isn't nipped in the bud" (news.blogs.cnn.com)
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Albertan run over by 26 train cars, gets up, picks up beer and walks away. "Police say alcohol along with his small stature likely saved him" (cbc.ca)
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MSNBC asks the questions we all want to know: "Painting over a presidential penis, respect or vandalism?" (worldnews.msnbc.msn.com)
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'Gay' penguin couple given egg of their own, all three doing fine. FINE? IT'S NOT FINE. It has TWO DADDIES. It may be FINE on the OUTSIDE, but INSIDE it's CONFUSED and EMBARRASSED. LOOK AT THE FREAK EGG. IT HAS TWO DADDIES (telegraph.co.uk)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Yankees to hand out free toothbrushes to first 1,000 fans with teeth (callofthegreenmonster.typepad.com)
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Plastic surgeon has to sue his patients to find out why they weren't satisfied, after they posted why they weren't satisfied online (wftv.com)
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Egyptians are voting today in the "first" "free" "elections" in their history - discussion thread (bbc.co.uk)
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| (MyFaceSpacedIn) |
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PROTIP: IF you are a Disney CM stealing an iPhone from a passenger on the cruise ship, best not take pictures of your fellow CMs, especially if the iPhone is loading directly to Facebook. BONUS: read the comments for added hilarity (facebook.com)
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China's new 4D roller coaster gives you the best excuse to move there since you learnt their Walmarts sell crocodiles (shortlist.com)
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"At least I didn't do the students," says California teacher who was fired after her X-rated porn past was discovered. Bonus: 2-minute clip from one of her films (thesmokinggun.com)
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This summer's road construction delays are brought to you by a pregnant elephant. This is not a euphemism for the fat guys anxiously waiting for the roach coach to deliver their donuts (blog.oregonlive.com)
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New TB test promises to be just like your mom (sciencedaily.com)
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6 in 10 consumers have cut back on non-essential spending due to high price of gasoline. Of course, without a job or car, gasoline also becomes non-essential (marketwatch.com)
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The power of the "bully pulpit" - Opposition to same-sex marriage fell to a record low after President Obama's announced support. Fabulous (upi.com)
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The quaint Southern tradition of parking your car on your lawn is coming under attack. No word on whether that includes cars up on cinder blocks or not (wrcbtv.com)
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Man with ammunition too dangerous for the gun range decides to fire it off in his garage. What could possibly go wrong? (blogs.tcpalm.com)
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7. 7 Billion Dollars. Ah ah ah ahhhh (independent.co.uk)
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JPMorgan Chase executives finally appear before Senate committee to answer for staggering losses. GOP lawmakers immediately attack the blatant irresponsibility, recklessness, and rampant unprofessionalism of ... federal regulators (washingtonpost.com)
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MIT engineers devise non-stick coating for insides of condiment bottles, meaning no more whacking the 57. That's not a euphemism for anything lewd (boston.com)
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| (WSPA) |
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Old man accidentally brings a pipe bomb used for self-defense to a hospital. Now he wonders what a convicted felon is supposed to use for self-defense after all this (www2.wspa.com)
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First large waves of debris hit Alaska from last year's Japanese tsunami. If only we had some debris alert system in place for these situations (telegraph.co.uk)
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If you're an elected official, don't send porn to your HR director (tampabay.com)
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Happy Birthday John D. Rockefeller who would have been 173 today if money could buy time (en.wikipedia.org)
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United Airlines addresses traveler inequality by ending pre-boarding for families with children (travel.usatoday.com)
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"I have a Cuban grandparent. Why does the census count me as Hispanic." Well, either way you get some great college tuition breaks (slate.com)
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| (Global Times) |
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10 kg hailstone hits (globaltimes.cn)
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If you're a Denver cop and get drunk and drive 143 MPH, you would think that you'd lose your job. Well, think again (denverpost.com)
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Lead roles in upcoming Casey Anthony movie cast, unfortunately not into Hell (wesh.com)
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Webster's has a new photo to use for when you look up "douchebag" in the dictionary (SFW) (usnews.msnbc.msn.com)
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Earthquake blamed for increase in cat suicides in Turkey. The sudden popularity of raccoon videos also believed to be a factor (shortlist.com)
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If I'm reading this article correctly, and I believe that I am, the Obama campaign is doing some sort of weird experimenting with advertisements that use something called "empire-ism." Hm. Guess the man is a dictator (slate.com)
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Super hot Olympic hurdler can't find a boyfriend because she's a virgin..submitter too busy staring at pics to think up witty headline..PICS I said..glorious glorious pics (dailymail.co.uk)
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| (wjhg television) |
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Embarrassed at getting caught stealing a shopping cart, our intrepid hero tries to redeem his street cred by stealing the clock off the police station wall (wjhg.com)
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I pity the fool who forgot to wish Mr. T a happy 60th birthday on Monday (huffingtonpost.com)
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| (La Crosse Tribune) |
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If YouIntroduce yourself on a video where YouAdmit to the crime of stealing a video camera, don't upload it to YouTube, YouWill go to jail. And the article will post the video that YouMade of YouDoing this. YouDumbass (lacrossetribune.com)
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The UK may allow In-Vitro Fertilization for same-sex couples. That's good. They may also allow IVF for older women. That's bad. The IVF comes with a free frogurt. That's good. The toppings contain potassium benzoate (seattlepi.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Protip: If you're going to rob a general store in the rural south, assume the clerk has a gun hidden behind the register. Fark: General store is on Acorn Hill Road in Hobbsville (wtkr.com)
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Corey Feldman has 6 foot 300-pound woman that he met through Michael Jackson arrested for violating a restraining order...while living in his house (tmz.com)
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"Uncommitted" beat President Obama in 67 of Kentucky's 120 counties. This is good for everybody, except President Obama (theatlanticwire.com)
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| (The Reporter) |
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Johnson & Johnson recalls a sh*tload of Imodium (thereporteronline.com)
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Geek Pride Night 9pm 5/23 at Skybar in Bowling Green, OH. Farkers most definitely welcome to our party (fark.com)
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Beheading and eating your fellow Greyhound passenger is bad, but if the voice of God told you he was an alien and had to be destroyed, well, that's different (nydailynews.com)
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So, a man walks into a liquor store and says, "Hey, where can I get a nice cold one with a head?" (latimesblogs.latimes.com)
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"Doctor Who Helped Find Bin Laden" (nytimes.com)
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ᴛᴇʟᴇɢʀᴀᴘʜ ʀoᴀᴅ sᴛᴏᴘ ᴍᴀɴ ʀᴜɴs sᴛᴏᴘ cᴀʀ wᴏɴ'ᴛ sᴛᴏᴘ (clickondetroit.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Challenge: Remodel and restore this rundown urban block (pics.livejournal.com)
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Ok. Best. Doodle. Ever (google.com)
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Ladies, here is a new product you never knew you needed. Vagina lightening cream (theage.com.au)
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You save your five-year-old from falling off a cliff, but lose your Jeep over the edge? That'll be two tickets. One of which is failure to show insurance card, which is now at the bottom of a lake (huffingtonpost.com)
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All those witnesses who you've been basing your defense of George ZImmerman on? Yeah, sit down I have something to tell you (usnews.msnbc.msn.com)
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Today's Hack: Turn a supersoaker into a shotgun (ktla.com)
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Tue May 22, 2012
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Stephen Colbert voted Maxim's 69th hottest woman in America. HA HA, dangly parts (gawker.com)
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Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, (dailymail.co.uk)
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I'm feeling really elitist with my $2 words and arugula right now. How do you enunciate your displeasure with the unwashed masses? (fark.com)
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Why are stay-at-home mothers more depressed? You would be too if you have to spend 24/7 with your own screaming brats (slate.com)
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| (Green Bay Press-Gazette) |
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I used to be a little girl like yourself, but then I took an arrow to the back (greenbaypressgazette.com)
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Animal Planet is going to create a 2 hr. CGI special "Mermaids: The Body Found." Were mermaids as we know them real, or was it something more realistic like aquatic apes? (foxnews.com)
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Woman spends over £3,000 for spinal surgery for Yoshi, her pet ferret... to give him a second chance, for the love of it (thesun.co.uk)
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Free pizza on June 5 but only if you order it in Spanish. Some people have a problem with that. "In public areas, people should be speaking English, and that includes pizza parlors" (usatoday.com)
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"Sorry, officer. I didn't want to drive drunk, but the zebra had too much wine and the parrot wasn't listening to me" (desmoinesregister.com)
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"He was coming right at me", says 74 year old woman who shot her 17 year old grandson (dailymail.co.uk)
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School nurse refuses student access to his inhaler during full-blown asthma attack. School officials took it away because they had no current form signed by a parent authorizing its use (clickorlando.com)
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Today, in the annals of careers you really should have chosen instead of the one you're doing right now: diet-book writer. A 7 figure deal was made for advice like skipping breakfast and eating broccoli (newser.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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In what was not at all an idiotic waste of time, the Supreme Court rules unanimously that children born from the frozen sperm of a dead man are not entitled to Social Security survivor benefits (jezebel.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Wife arguing with you about a new car? That's a shootin' (10tv.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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There's some Andrew Breitbart, and some Glenn Beck, and even some Alex Jones and Art Bell -- it's the exclusive interview with colossal douchebag George Tierney of Greenville, SC (glossynews.com)
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Morgan Stanley cut its outlook for Facebook revenues just days before Morgan Stanley took Facebook public, but only privately warned "major clients." Oops, their bad (reuters.com)
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If you're allergic to pollen, don't take bee pollen supplements. You know what? If someone is this dumb I think we should just let them go (cbc.ca)
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School psychologist: "Young black thugs who won't follow the law need to be put down" (gawker.com)
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| (Washington City Paper) |
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You're the nation's capital. How do you dispose of personnel files? A) Retain, then dispose of securely, B) Retain indefinitely, or C) Cram an abanoned car full & set it on fire. And some dumpsters. At the fire academy (washingtoncitypaper.com)
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Research confirms what Farkers already knew: eating healthy organic food turns you into a douche and leaves you with only 26 minutes to get to the gym (newser.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Now that Yankee Candle has launched it's "Man Candles" selection with manly scents, photoshop some other unlikely candles (wcvb.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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OMG IT'S A BABY MOUNTAIN LION - Get in the ***BANG**BANG**BANG**** (940winz.com)
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| (Nunatsiaq Online) |
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Arctic rivers add toxic mercury to the Arctic Ocean. This sounds like something that came from Hg wells (nunatsiaqonline.ca)
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Fruit truck experiences an explosion of flavor, Starbuck inconsolable as Vermont bans fracking, and Lindsay Lohan's rented bolthole: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/13 - 5/19 (fark.com)
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Caption this taxi flagger. Warning: pic is not safe for lunch (tosh.comedycentral.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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You will live forever...although you'll look creepy and speak Russian (radio.woai.com)
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Pictures from the BDSM community's DomCon in Los Angeles. Click the link. CLICK IT NOW, WORM (Not safe for work) (huffingtonpost.com)
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Theme : Create a Fark doodle (google.com)
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Leftist candidate for Mexican congress gives voters two reasons to support her (cnn.com)
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| (BGR) |
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Hollywood loves sequels: MPAA to push SOPA follow-up in 2013 (bgr.com)
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Someone spent $18,000 on Queen Elizabeth's panties. Her used panties (tmz.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Nearly 1 in 4 teens have diabetes, awesome lunches (610wiod.com)
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Waitress forgets to hit the virgin button, serves daiquiris to a pair of four-year-olds. Well, it's not like they were planning on driving home (thesmokinggun.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Attorney's "DWI DUDE" vanity plate request rejected. ASS MAN seen smirking (1035superx.com)
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| (Life Site News) |
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Planned Parenthood beats off all competitors when it comes to encouraging masturbation for elementary students (lifesitenews.com)
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"Hello, 911? I wish to report a drunk driver. He's driving my car and looks exactly like me. I'm going to pull over now so can you have an officer come by and arrest me? Thanks" (shortlist.com)
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Bad news: it's National Vegetarian Week in the UK. Good news: the world's meatiest sandwich has become a thing (shortlist.com)
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US Airways jetliner en route from Paris to Charlotte, North Carolina, has been diverted to Bangor, Maine due to a suspicious passenger. Passenger was suspicious because he said US Airways had good customer service (news.blogs.cnn.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today is World Goth Day. Be sure to not wish any of them a 'Happy' day. Perhaps a 'Have a melancholy, bittersweet day full of tears and poetry' Day (huffingtonpost.co.uk)
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If your couch is dirty and smells of urine, do you A: Clean it? B: Throw it out? or C: Set it on fire while it's still in your apartment? (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)
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| (Some Cheese Head) |
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Wisconsin has a Deer Czar, and he firmly believes that State and National Parks are a commie plot. Like to hunt on public land? "Sucks to be you" (lodivalleynews.com)
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The claim that women make 81 cents to the dollar than men earn doing the same job? It's apparently not only bogus, but also crude and misleading. Like most men (forbes.com)
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Man responsible for proliferation of polka dies. Accordions everywhere mourn (chicagotribune.com)
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Ten facts about cats even cat people don't know, even when they're putting out fire (buzzfeed.com)
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Plane headed to Christian youth conference "Acquire the Fire" crashes, acquires fire (cnn.com)
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None of us knows what's really going on, so here is a fox cub with a can on its head (thesun.co.uk)
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Not news: Grandma lets granddaughter test drive her car. Fark: 10-year old granddaughter hits three cars in a McDonald's parking lot (boston.com)
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Europe puts a helmet on their little soldiers (news.yahoo.com)
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Facebook to slightly redesign its "Timeline" layout. SELL MORTIMER, SELL (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)
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The Register takes a break from murdering the English language to remind Farkers they can't do that with a headline =( (theregister.co.uk)
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It's been at least a day or two since you've read about a bullshiat trend made up by a newspaper to fill column inches, right? Pining for one? Okay, here you go: American youth don't want cars anymore, they want web mobility (washingtonpost.com)
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One year ago today, a tornado devastated Joplin, Missouri. In commemoration, here's security camera footage from the worst hospital waiting room visit ever (youtube.com)
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| (NBCConnecticut) |
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Gun range next to school sounds like a helluva idea, right? (nbcconnecticut.com)
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| (KARE 11) |
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You're not going to believe this, but people are figuring out that paying $100/month for crappy reality TV shows isn't worth it (kare11.com)
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| (argus) |
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If you plan on lifting weights after drinking, don't be surprised if EMT workers are called in to move the dumbbell (theargus.co.uk)
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As much as we'd all like to, you can't slap a 10-year-old so hard he gets a bloody nose and loses a tooth just because he's talking during a movie (seattlepi.com)
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The inventor of the TV remote control has passed away. His body was discovered after several weeks, buried between the couch cushions (marketwatch.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Four adults tie 15-year-old girl to tree, hit her with eggs and pour beer on her. Fark: Two of them are her legal guardians (wtkr.com)
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"The data indicate the country may be experiencing the jobless recovery economists warned of during the recession" Curse those recovery mongers (usatoday.com)
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Police remind mother that bringing your child to work should also include taking them out of the car (chicagotribune.com)
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| (NBCDFW) |
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OMG. You did not just label the special needs students 'retarded' in the yearbook (nbcdfw.com)
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College students spend about a third less time studying than they used to, which must mean college is too easy. Right, too easy. That's the same reason I didn't bring home that hottie from the bar last night, not enough challenge (washingtonpost.com)
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| (Some Guy) |
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SCOTUS: 'Fark the eighth amendment' (theverge.com)
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Surgeon, apparently listening to a baseball game, uses man's stomach to keep track of a 3 strikeout inning (nydailynews.com)
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Remember when GM pulled their Facebook ads because they "didn't work"? Turns out, the real reason they didn't work is because GM just sucks at online marketing (businessweek.com)
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Someone stole your iPhone? The chief will get right on that with four detectives and a task force. If you're the Berkeley police chief's son, that headline is entirely devoid of sarcasm (sfgate.com)
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"Father of the Year" candidate charged with leaving 17-month-old toddler home alone while he went to work. To his credit, he DID leave Cheerios and orange juice nearby (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)
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Cops try out their anti-gang strategies on third graders (nbclosangeles.com)
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Honey, could you please take the fetus out to the trash? (nbcnewyork.com)
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Hundreds of thousands of Canadians still using dial-up. I wish there was something funny I could say about this but I'm one of them and I pray for death every day (cbc.ca)
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Politician horrified at something that is legal, safe, wants to ban it. "I mean that is just so crystal clear, there is no debate, no discussion" (sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com)
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What I learned from Florida: Don't bring a machete to a gun fight with your girlfriend (wptv.com)
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...and at night, the meth fairy flies through your window to spread her gift of love and joy (with fairy mugshot) (kirotv.com)
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Photoshop theme: I had the weirdest dream last night (google.com)
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The invading force in Red Dawn (already filmed) is changing (post-production) from Chinese troops to North Korean troops because Hollywood doesn't want to offend China (infowars.com)
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19-year-old man uses a nerf sword to defend his mother from his brother. At work he's known as Sir Oedipus (nwfdailynews.com)
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Woo! Subette just won 500 bucks on a 1 dollar ticket. I got the numbers off a grocery receipt. Suck it naysayers (fark.com)
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If I'm reading this correctly, and I think I am, Pringles are the taint of snack food. SCIENCE (eatocracy.cnn.com)
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Mom, I'm not watching funny cat videos online. No. I'm fostering creative approaches to problem solving by allowing my mind to wander (nature.com)
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Who's an ugly-assed cheeky little monkey? Why you are, now be a good little gorilla and smile for the camera (thesun.co.uk)
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Today's FARK-ready headline: "Ohio family in 'Porkopolis' seeks return of stolen swine statue that was wearing eyeglasses" (sun-sentinel.com)
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Hello, 9-1-1, what's your emergenzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (wtop.com)
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SpaceX finds a bottle of blue pills, finally gets it up (cnn.com)
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The Pain in Spain Plainly Will Remain (bloomberg.com)
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Hottie fired for looking too sexy on the job... at a lingerie manufacturer... owned by Orthodox Jews (nydailynews.com)
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Fracas turns into foofaraw, and when the brouhaha turns into a kerfuffle, a hurly-burly becomes a tumult and the rumpus becomes a hoo-hah, causing a to-doo to become a melee (eagletribune.com)
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We're not saying the rednecks in Arizona are stupid, but they just used toilet paper to spell out the N-word in somebody's lawn. And the dude who lives there is white (azcentral.com)
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Good news, everybody. It's no longer necessary for you to feel like an uneducated, heathenish boor if you want to sip some red wine after Labor Day. You can drink Guinness in your shorts, too, and can stop feeling ashamed (nytimes.com)
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Can't sleep, vintage Disneyland characters will eat me (io9.com)
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